


tides

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, a sort of year in the life of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 15:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20819729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: "Ben, you seem," Lola pauses and takes a breath, "burnt out." Ben looks at her, limbs getting heavier as the weight of her words hang in the air.He hasn't said anything in that vein out loud, not wanting to admit it and having the fear that verbalizing it will make it more real.He looks down at the ground and blinks a few times before looking up again."Just need to catch my breath."***Callum and Whitney got married, and Ben is more bothered by it than he'd like to admit.Ben and Callum spend the next twelve months working their way back to each other.or, Ben and Callum through the seasons.





	tides

Things do get a little brighter.  
Not necessarily because of Ben's own doing, but because time passes, whether you want it to or not.  
And he wanted it to, willed it to, desperately. Despite his best efforts to not get involved, he got his feelings hurt, and the biggest blow only comes when the dust has settled somewhat.  
Once Callum and Whitney are happily married, settled down. He doesn't see Callum for a while, probably due to an effort on both ends to avoid each other, and that's probably for the best, because that feeling he has, where everything feels too raw and open to touch, will only get worse.  
Any attempt to poke at it, try and make it go away only makes it hurt more, so Ben tries to endure the fact that it's _there_, and move on. 

He still gets plenty of dirty looks, not just from Whitney and Stuart but from other people as well. Ben imagines the news has spread somewhat, and if they've heard it from Whitney, he knows what they think of him.  
The urge to set them straight, tell them what _really_ happened and get some sort of vindication doesn't come. He knows it won't fix anything, it doesn't gain him something worthwhile.  
Keeping his head down and working is the best thing he can do, for his own sanity anyway.  
It irks his mother and Lola, who have raised an eyebrow at him on several occasions at the suggestion that for once Ben has no ulterior motive, no scheming plans.  
Truth is, he hasn't known heartbreak like this since the one where he felt like he was going to lose himself after losing his boyfriend.

But the darkness in the clouds can't crowd around him much longer, and faint strips of light start to shine through.  
And it's around the same time that Ben starts to feel like he can breathe a little easier.  
On a sunny day, after work, he breaks his pattern of going straight home and instead buys a cider and drinks it in the park.  
He tries to focus on the fizziness on his tongue, the slightly bitter aftertaste, instead of the feeling of prying and judging eyes creeping up on him. He doesn't like being in public these days.  


When he gets home that day and picks Lexi up to hug her, she holds on a little longer than usual. When she pulls back, one small arm around Ben's neck, she frowns at him.  
"Are you okay Daddy?"  
Ben smiles at her out of reassurance and hopes she can't see the tiredness in his eyes. "'Course darling, why wouldn't I be?"  
She shrugs and drops down, running up the stairs to her room, and Lola comes out of the kitchen a moment later.

"She asked me a few times as well, you know," Lola says softly, putting a glass of water on the coffee table for him.  
She's standing in the room, her arms crossed but her face creased in concern and her eyes slightly narrowed, and Ben realises he must be in bad shape if Lola is genuinely that worried about him.  
"I am alright, I promise," Ben says, leaning against the side of the couch.  
"Ben, you seem," Lola pauses and takes a breath, "burnt out." Ben looks at her, limbs getting heavier as the weight of her words hang in the air.  
He hasn't said anything in that vein out loud, not wanting to admit it and having the fear that verbalizing it will make it more real.  
He looks down at the ground and blinks a few times before looking up again.  
"Just need to catch my breath."

There are plenty of days where Ben feels like he's healing.  
He actually manages to open up to Lola a bit more, quiet conversations late at night when their daughter is asleep, her hand covering his.  
It helps, both for him personally and for the bond between Lola and himself. It starts to feel more like a little family, instead of a vengeful man who's trying to get back at his father dragging his daughter and her mum across the country.  
She smiles more, and he might be imagining it, but Lexi seems more relaxed too.  
He probably still looks absolutely miserable on the outside, but maybe some internal mending needs to happen first. 

They've had a few sunny days in a row now, temperatures on the high side but not scalding, people sitting on every patch of grass they can find.  
And then it starts to pour. One of those spring days where the sun is still shining brightly, clear blue sky, but the rain seems to keep coming down and it feels like it will never stop.  
Ben watches it hit against the window, slide down onto the street, every stone covered in a light sheen from the moisture.  
He sits in the cafe in one of the booths, having just dropped Lexi off at school and now having a cup of tea.

He hears Callum's voice before he sees him.  
"Cup of tea please, Kathy."  
The whirlwind in his stomach that felt like it had finally calmed down a bit starts up again.  
That voice has shared secrets with him, has told him things Ben's pretty sure he's never told anyone else.  
He loves that voice. It's friendly through and through, something you would want to hear in the midst of a crisis.  
It can be strong and authoritative, firm but not harsh.  
Ben's heard it break, crack, shudder.  
He's heard it laugh, giggle. The sound makes something flutter in Ben's tummy.

It's so familiar in a way that Ben just sits there, a wave of yearning hitting him.  
He doesn't have to make a decision whether or not to turn around.  
"Hey," Callum says, standing next to him with his tea in hand, and Ben looks up at him.  
He can't say he sees a marital glow anywhere on Callum, but that could just as well be wishful thinking.  
Ben greets him back but it's so quiet he may as well have said nothing.

Callum's eyes seem restless, glancing to Ben every now and then but gone just as quick, and the hollows of his eyes seem more pronounced.  
He clears his throat. "Uh, sorry to bother you, but Jay wanted you to know that he can pick up Lexi this afternoon from school."  
Ben blinks. Jay could've easily just texted him this, and he's not cruel enough to send Callum over to do the messaging for him.  
It doesn't make any sense, and the thoughts slowly roll over in his head but it doesn't lead to anything and Ben just sits there, waiting for his brain to finish buffering.  
He hums without thinking about it, desperate to say or do anything that will stop Callum looking at him like he doesn't know if Ben's going to throw a snarky innuendo-laced comment at him or outright reject him with all the cruelty and bitterness he must have been holding, and Callum doesn't look prepared for either of those options.  
"Right, well, I, eh, I best be off," Callum manages to push out and then he's gone.  
Ben sits there for ten more minutes, what was left of his tea having gone cold a while ago, and when he does eventually go home he's still not quite sure what happened.

Work helps give his days structure in a way that Ben hadn't realised he needed that much. It's nice in that tiring way only things can be that you need to do in order to keep going; he gets things done in the car lot he hadn't gotten a chance to do yet and he slowly gets back on speaking terms with Phil by helping out at the Arches.  
It keeps him focused, busy, and it makes his life feel more normal than it has in a long time.  
The evening falls later, and those extra hours of sunlight are spent with Lexi and Lola, or having a drink in the pub with Jay.  
As the weeks pass, Ben can see the relief in Jay's face as he doesn't turn down every invitation to go have a pint, instead getting to a point where Ben takes the initiative.

Ben can feel the flush in his cheeks that comes with sitting in a warm pub filled with people, two pints in and a best mate next to you who makes you laugh.  
"Honestly man," Jay shakes his head as he sets his glass back down, "what am I supposed to say to that?"  
Ben grins at him. "Has that never happened before?"  
Jay gives him an indignant look as he swallows a mouthful. "What, someone asking if they can borrow a coffin for 'practice'?" He makes airquotes with his fingers and Ben laughs.  
"I'd so much rather have people crying in my arms than someone wanting to get a casket on a loan so they can get used to the feeling of being dead."  
Ben laughs harder and now Jay starts to laugh too, and it's been so long since Ben has felt the muscles in his stomach ache with how much he's laughing.

The slightly woozy feeling lingers, a tiny bit of pressure lifted off of his chest, and then Callum and Whitney walk through the door, and Ben can't bring himself to smooth out his face.  
He doesn't want to. Callum makes him feel giddy and dazed, even with his wife on his arm, and for the first time in a while, the way Ben's looking at him shows that.  
Callum looks like he didn't expect to have to see Ben tonight but he quickly covers his shock and presumed discomfort with a polite smile, holding Whitney's hand as they make their way to the other side of the pub.  
"You okay?" Jay asks softly, eyes narrowed with concern when Ben turns to look at him. Ben traces the logo on his pint glass with his thumb.  


He had told Jay about Callum, not necessarily because he wanted to or because he felt ready, but because those first few months after the wedding were _rough_.  
And it was obvious something was happening with Ben, but he struggled just to get himself through the day, let alone talking to someone about it.  
It stood between him and Jay, an unspoken thing that took up a massive amount of space, and as hard as Jay tried, they couldn't see or hear each other anymore.  
The thought of losing his best friend was unbearable, so Ben pushed through and told him.

Ben purses his lips. "Yeah, I'm alright."  
"We can go if you want," Jay offers, but Ben immediately shakes his head.  
"Nah, it's okay. We both live here, we should be able to drink at the same pub."  
Jay softens. "Don't mean you've gotta torture yourself by watching them though."  
"I'm good, honestly," Ben reassures him, patting Jay's arm with a small smile.  
"Also," Ben tilts his head back and drinks the remainder of his pint, "he didn't really do anything wrong."  
He licks some foam off of his lips.  
"Besides get into my head."

The soft warmth accompanied by a gentle breeze makes way for a blistering heat, the air still hot long after the sun has gone down.  
Ben and Lola take Lexi to the beach some days, Ben laying back on a towel with his eyes closed as warmth seeps into his skin, hearing his daughter's delighted giggles as a wave falls over her.  
Other days are too hot to do anything, and Ben stays inside and tries to make the most of it.

He almost feels like his old self again, but he also knows he hasn't seen or spoken to Callum unless he couldn't avoid it, and he hasn't started seeing anyone else either.  
It's easier to just avoid having a love-life than to try to start something with anyone when you know you'd rather do that with a special someone.  
The thick skin Ben sometimes thinks he has grown doesn't always prove to be resilient.  
Unprovoked, sure. But then he sees Callum and it's like he has to go back to square one again.

Those nights are the hardest ones. Laying on top of his covers, sweat plastered down his back, the air way too dense to get comfortable, and he can't get his thoughts to stop.  
Fantasies of what a relationship with Callum Highway would look like keep pestering him, and even though something that feels so far away plays out a little clunky and awkward in his mind, it always ends with, _we would make it work_.  
It's completely terrifying, because an infatuation for someone that knocks you off your feet doesn't happen that often, and the times it did and Ben gave it a go, it didn't end well.  
Callum holds the end of the string that keeps Ben together, and a simple pull unravels him.  
And in those moments, alone, Ben hates him for it a little bit.

But then he actually sees Callum, runs into him at the market, wide grins and sparkly eyes, and Ben's heart betrays him.  
"Hey," Callum says, his tone light and confident, and he pauses for the smallest moment before adding, "it's good to see you."  
Ben blinks at him and then nods. "Likewise."  
He can't tell if this is Callum trying to reconnect with Ben because marriage to a woman is definitely not working for him, or if this is Callum showing Ben how he has completely moved on and is now happy and settled.  
The uncertainty adds to the flurry in the pit of his stomach and itches under his skin.

"You look better," says Callum, breaking Ben out of his confusing train of thought, and he snaps his head up to look at him.  
There's nothing flirtatious about Callum's gaze, all Ben sees is genuine relief that Ben seems to be doing well.  
"I feel it," Ben says, a small smile, forced and bitter on his lips. Callum smiles back at him and doesn't move, seemingly wanting to keep talking, but Ben can't do this.  
"I should head off," Ben says, and he's gone before Callum has a chance to respond.

When he's sitting in the car lot office a few minutes later, he slumps down in his chair, waiting for the kettle to boil.  
He can't make sense of Callum's logic, no matter how many ways he tries to look at it.  
The hot tea settles comfortably in his stomach, and Ben tries to shift his thoughts.  
Jay calls not long after.

"Callum's seems a bit... off. You wouldn't have anything to do with that would ya?"  
"Off how?" Ben asks, chewing on his lip.  
"I don't know, he just looks a bit upset and disoriented, won't say much."  
Ben sighs. "Jay, I'm not his keeper, alright. I don't know what's going on with him."  
It's silent for a bit.  
"You're alright though, yeah?"  
Ben rolls his eyes, but appreciates the concern nonetheless.  
"Yes, I'm fine."  
He just doesn't know what's happening.

He's in the exact same spot a few weeks later, the peak of summer nearing. It's the early evening, just after dinner, and Ben's going through some paper work, finding comfort in the quiet of the car lot office.  
There's a soft knock on the door, and Ben makes a non-distinct humming noise.  
"Hiya," Callum says, opened door in his hand as he looks around, "oh sorry, I thought Jay'd be here."  
He waits for a moment but then starts closing the door again, and Ben interrupts him.  
"Anything I can help with?"

The door slowly opens again, Callum's head poking out, and if Ben didn't feel so nervous he'd laugh.  
"Nah, I need to speak to Jay about something at the undertaker's, figured he might be here."  
Ben nods slowly, Callum still standing in the doorway.  
"But he's not," Callum says, the words stretching out, "so I'll, yeah I'll go."  
"You ain't have to," Ben offers, regretting it as soon as the words leave his mouth because he knows deep down that this leads to nothing but trouble. For himself, anyway.  
He points at the seat opposite him. "We can catch up, if you want." It's a laughable suggestion, like they're just two friends who haven't spoken in a while, and this play pretend doesn't go down as easy with Ben as he'd like.

Ben pulls two bottles of beer from somewhere near his desk as Callum shuts the door and sinks down on the chair.  
They quietly clink the necks of their bottles together and take a sip.  
"I feel like so much has happened in the past few months," Callum says after moments of silence, and Ben looks at him.  
"Well, marriage changes your life, or so I've heard," Ben says, aiming for polite chitchat but coming off more bitter than he intended.  
Callum looks a little taken aback.  
"Didn't mean it like that," Ben mumbles, the feeling that this was a bad idea only growing with every second that passes.

"I miss ya," Callum blurts out, a flush creeping into his cheeks as his eyes widen just a bit like he's surprised by what has come out of his own mouth.  
"I, I miss talking to ya," he stammers, "being ya mate."  
Ben huffs a small laugh, the opening of his bottle brushing over his lips. "Were we ever mates, Callum?"  
Callum nods firmly. "Yes, we were. And it worked."  
Ben resists the urge to shake his head and instead averts his eyes. 

It hurts, because Callum doesn't want to acknowledge the way they more or less skipped the friends bit and went straight to lovers.  
Like that bit didn't happen, like those feelings weren't real. And Ben knows why, understands that Callum can't face that reality if he's committed to making his marriage to his wife a success.  
But that doesn't lessen the sting.

"How's, how's Lexi?" Callum asks then, and Ben's grateful for the change of topic.  
He smiles at the thought of his daughter.  
"She's great," Ben says, sitting back in his chair, "she's the best."  
"Jay hasn't taken over for ya?" Callum says, and for the first time in forever, Ben gives him a genuine grin, more familiar with this push and pull, in sync and harmonized instead of all over the place, the two of them never _truly_ on the same wavelength.  
"Pfft, he couldn't replace me," Ben says, enjoying the way Callum's face lights up at how Ben plays along with him, "he'd have to take his hands off Lola first."

Callum pulls a sour face and Ben laughs.  
"Yeah, I've been at the receiving end of that a few times. You'd think he'd keep that away from the workplace, but no."  
Ben chuckles.  
"Yeah," he picks at the label on his beer, "he's really happy though. And they both deserve that."  
Callum makes a soft noise in agreement, and silence falls over them again.  
Ben meets his eyes every now and then, as he thinks of what could have been, of what they could have had as well, and he wonders if Callum is thinking the same.

And he is genuinely really happy for Lola and Jay. Ben often sees them in a mood so good that it should probably not be natural, all dopey and enamored.  
Lola seems to feel more grounded in Walford than she has since they got here, not always an eye on the door, and his best friend seems to carry a little less weight on his shoulders.  
Ben keeps reminding himself that he's happy for them, because he is, but sometimes being surrounded by two people _that_ in love, it's hard not to feel more alone in comparison.  
But it's ridiculous, because they love each other and Ben loves them.

Even when they stumble back into the house at one in the morning, Lola hushing Jay who shuts the door a little too loudly.  
Ben hears Lola giggling, the sound muffled shortly after, and they make their way into the living room, Jay's arms tightly wound around Lola's waist as he carries her, one of Lola's ankles hooked around his leg as they kiss.  
Both of their faces are a little flushed, probably alcohol and excitement in equal parts, and they keep having to pause in between kisses because they're smiling so much.  


Ben clears his throat lightly, sitting at the dinner table, and two heads slowly turn toward him.  
"At least be a little quiet, Lexi's sleeping." Ben gives them a stern look, but there's no heat behind it.  
He feels a little like a dad who caught one of his kids doing something they shouldn't be doing.  
Lola and Jay wave at him as he walks towards the stairs, still entangled in each other and smiling, and Ben shakes his head with a small laugh.  
He doesn't remember when he turned into the responsible parent who doesn't have much of a life outside of having a kid, but it's a role he probably should have taken on earlier.  
It's nice to see Lola having fun, knowing she can rely on Ben to take care of Lexi.

Lexi also seems to enjoy having Jay around. Seeing him as an uncle is the easiest thing for her, and she naturally gravitates towards him when he comes over.  
She even ropes him into helping her and Lola when he just wanted to drop something off, two small hands on his legs as she stares up at him with those big eyes, and before he knows it he's helping them bake biscuits.  
And that experience sticks with Lexi. She talks about it for a full week, brings it up every day, how Jay helped her put the ingredients in the bowl but then she kneaded the dough herself.  
She also guards the biscuits with her life, and only shares them with a selective group of people.

Ben supposes he shouldn't be surprised that she starts asking him about making biscuits once the previous ones have all been eaten.  
What does catch him off guard, is that Lexi insists on Callum being a third helping hand.  
They run into him when Ben is just trying to quickly get something to eat from the café and leave again, but Callum is waiting in line next to them and Lexi can't contain her excitement.  
She's a happy, easy child and she doesn't have much trouble talking to strangers, and Callum isn't even really a stranger to her. She's seen him a couple of times, has talked with him a bit, and it's just Ben's luck that Callum is amazing with kids.  
He's friendly, practically radiates kindness out of his pores and knows just how to communicate with her.

"We're gonna bake this afternoon!" She tells him excitedly, and Ben sees how Callum's face softens as he crouches down to get to Lexi's level.  
"Really? And what are you gonna make?" Callum asks her, and she starts running through several options and details the process of making it.  
Even though this is a situation he'd rather not be in and one he doesn't know how to get himself out of, Ben's not going to tell his daughter not to talk to Callum, so he just runs a hand through her hair and looks at her with a smile.  


"Wow, that sounds difficult! I think you'll be busy all day!" Callum says, lightly poking a finger into Lexi's side, and she laughs and then gasps, eyes widening.  
"You could help!" She wastes no time, looking up at Ben. "Can he come help daddy, please?"  
Ben gives her a smile as Callum slowly gets up again. "I think he might be busy, Lex."  
She looks disappointed, and Callum probably feels as guilty as Ben does, because he soothes her straight away.  
"Oh hey, I'm sure I can make some time," Callum shoots Ben a look, more hesitance in his gaze, "if that's okay with you?"  
Ben takes a breath and smiles.  
"Sure."

Which is how Callum ends up in Ben's kitchen, a few smudges of flour on his shirt, hair falling over his forehead.  
Lexi finishes cutting out the shapes for the biscuits, Ben transferring them onto the baking tray every time she hands him one.  
Ben puts the tray into the oven and sets a timer. Lexi peers through the oven window.  
"How long do we have to wait?" she asks. If Ben weren't here, she would not have the patience and would probably have settled for just eating the dough.  
"Well, it's going to take a bit of time," Ben says, wiping his hands on a towel, "so why don't you go watch some telly, we'll clean up here and if they're ready, we'll let you know."  
She turns around when she's halfway to the living room. "You _have_ to tell me when they're done!"  
Ben holds up his hands like he's incredibly intimidated, and Lexi fixes him with a stern look before bouncing to the sofa. 

When he looks at Callum, he's softly smiling at him.  
"What?" Ben asks, turning to the counter.  
"Nothin'. You're great with her," Callum comments, picking up a teatowel.  
"Well, she _is_ my kid," Ben quips, running hot water into the sink with some washing-up liquid and scrubbing some of the things they used.  
"That don't automatically mean you're gonna be a good parent though, think we both know that," Callum says lightly, and Ben huffs a laugh.

The noise of the telly is softly humming in the background, present but not loud enough to be distinct, and they get a nice rhythm going of Ben washing things and Callum drying them.  
It's peaceful and oddly domestic, and everything lulls into something calm and melodic.  
A spatula Ben has already washed gets plonked back into the water. Ben turns his head to the side.  
"That ain't clean," Callum says innocently, and Ben rolls his eyes, grabbing it and scrubbing it extra hard before handing it back to Callum with raised eyebrows.  
He turns it over in his hand with a small smile and then starts drying it. "Better, thank you."  
Ben snorts. "You're odd sometimes."  
Callum elbows his side then, and Ben feigns hurt, rubbing at the spot.  
"That's harsh, Callum."  
"The whole point of washing up is getting things clean, Ben."

They grin at each other, wide and unabashed, and when Ben looks over Callum's shoulder he sees that Lexi has fallen asleep, curled up into the corner of the sofa.  
Callum follows his gaze and smiles when he sees it, looking for a moment and then quietly walking closer, grabbing a blanket that's next to the sofa and laying it over her.  
"She's cute, isn't she," Ben whispers when Callum is standing next to him again, and he nods.  
"She is."  
They're both looking at Lexi, and then they turn their gaze to each other at the exact same time.  
It's been a while since Ben has been this physically close to Callum, and it's a little dizzying.

It hits him again how much he seems to lose any grip when it comes to him, any rational thoughts about 'doing the right thing' going out the window.  
The blues of Callum's eyes make a gentle pathway over Ben's face, and Ben can feel himself floating closer.  
"I want to-," Callum says, voice low and just above a whisper, and his eyes drop to Ben's mouth.  
Ben lifts himself slightly on his toes and Callum leans forward in one smooth move.  
He hadn't forgotten the feeling of what it's like to kiss Callum, but there's nothing that can replace the way the bottom of his stomach feels like it's going to give out, the way Callum's touch makes it feel like his hands are _everywhere_, how he kisses with intent.  
Every kiss Ben's ever shared with him has been heart-dropping, and they can't seem to do it any other way.

The hand that's been gently cradling Ben's face now slides down to his neck, curling around it with a firmer touch, Callum's thumb gently pressing over Ben's quickening pulse, and _oh_, that definitely does something that Ben didn't know about yet.  
Ben had been a little tentative, bracing himself for the moment that Callum pushes him away and storms out, but that doesn't come so he places the palms of his hands on the small of Callum's back, pulling his torso closer.  
Callum nips at Ben's lip with his teeth, and a white hot sensation makes its way down to Ben's stomach.  
He deliberately slows the pace, softens his touch, breathes.

Despite trying very hard not to, he has thought about this happening in the past few months, and every time he did, he imagined it would feel the same as it did before.  
That surge of reassurance that Callum definitely wants him, that he's into him, that he's gay and he's going to face that soon, at least at _some_ point, and it won't be long before he starts to live life as his true self.

But it doesn't feel like that. Because the reality of kissing a now married Callum Highway, a gay-yet-married-to-a-woman Callum Highway, is cold and harsh against his lips, and it breaks Ben out of his daze.  
Flat palms lightly push on Callum's chest.  
"You should go."  
"Wh-What?" Callum says, breathless, lips shiny and red, eyes unfocused.  
"You should leave, I'll handle this," Ben gestures to what's left of the mess on the counter.  
"But-," Callum starts, and something ugly curls in Ben's stomach.  
"But what?" Ben snaps, careful to keep his volume down, "you have a wife to go home to."  
Ben brings him back to earth, both feet on the ground, and Callum looks like he's just had a bucket of cold water dumped on him, but there's nothing Ben can do that will help either of them.

He stands there silently and waits until Callum eventually leaves, stopping briefly to look at Lexi and then he's out the door.  
Ben turns back to the counter and continues to wash, letting the tears drop into the water.  
Later, after the cleaning's done, he turns off the timer before it starts to make noise, and he gently wakes Lexi ten minutes later.  
"They look good don't they, proper little chef!" Ben says, handing her a biscuit as he sits down next to her on the couch.  
She smiles, eyes still heavy with sleep, and sticks it in her mouth before leaning against Ben's side.  
He can feel his bottom lip quiver but he bites down on it and instead tugs Lexi closer, enjoying the feeling of warmth as he stares at the cartoons on the telly.  
"I like them," Lexi says from below him, "did Callum have one?"  
Ben swallows thickly and kisses the top of her head.  
"He had other things to do."

It sets him back, and Ben hates that Callum has the power to do that.  
Weeks, a month later he can still feel the imprint of Callum's lips on his, the way he melted at how he tried to pull Ben closer, giddy that he was just as into it as Ben was.  
And he misses it. For a little bit, they were spending time together again, enjoying each other's company, and Ben now has the confirmation that that was a bad idea.  
But Callum makes him feel alive in a way that leaves Ben completely drained when they're apart. He's exhausted.  
How do you go back to a black and white world when you know what colour looks like?

The tail of summer seems to go on forever, and Ben is grateful when the air gets less hot and humid, the sky grey and the wind cold.  
The last few weeks consisted of days where everything is bright, lit by blinding rays of sunshine, everyone around you tipsy on beers they had in the park, that special kind of happy that comes with hot temperatures and sunshine.  
It was hard to get himself through that, and Ben felt like he had to put a conscious effort into the small things; getting out of bed, taking a shower and eating every day.

And he doesn't necessarily feel happier when the world around him becomes warmer with hues of red, burnt orange and yellow, but at least the contrast between himself and everyone else doesn't feel so immense and taunting.  
The people around him notice how he retreats into himself, but Ben tries his best to not isolate himself completely. He talks with Lola, not about Callum, but he talks nonetheless, wanting to make sure that connection is still there.  
He cooks a few nights a week, spends time with Lexi and his mum. But he avoids talking about Callum.

Because what is there to talk about? Something happened again between them, but that doesn't change anything. It still wouldn't work, and the reason why is out of Ben's hands.  
He can't make Callum do something he doesn't want to do.  
It's strange, because Ben is definitely under no illusion that he's a good person, and starting something with a man who's otherwise involved wouldn't be a first, regardless of whether they were closeted or not.  
There's a thrill to it, he supposes that's one of the things that makes an affair exciting.  
He could give Callum what he wants; the perfect traditional picture of a happy marriage to a woman, with an always willing and wanting Ben on the sidelines to fulfill his needs and desires.  
But Ben doesn't want that. The thought of it doesn't seem very sexy or exciting, and Ben is well aware that that's at least partially due to the feelings involved.  
And on top of that, he doesn't even _really_ know if that's what Callum wants.

Because Callum is a lot of things, and the choices he makes aren't always perfect, but he's _not_ cruel.  
And kissing Ben in his kitchen after spending time with his daughter probably wasn't a premeditated thing, like he's playing some kind of trick on him.  
Every time he's been with Callum in the past months, he didn't seem like someone out to get what he wants, consequences be damned. He seemed confused, all over the place.  
And that willingness and want to help Callum is still there. Like it was before the wedding.  
Sure, sometimes he'd joke about it to wind Callum up, but they both knew that if Callum ever wanted to confide in someone about this, Ben would be there.  
And he'd like to say he still would be, but at this point, Ben doesn't know if he can help Callum find his way in all of this without completely losing himself.

It's a knot he can't untie, and Ben has a hard time shutting his brain off at night. He tries to stay busy during the day, both to keep his mind occupied and in hopes that if he's tired enough, he'll sleep easier at night.  
Jay asks him to come over to the undertakers, have a cuppa with him, and Ben's grateful for the distraction.  
His best friend has been busy with work and a fresh relationship with Lola, but he makes time for Ben as well.  
He gets an extra text after the initial invitation to clarify that Callum's not working today.

"Good to see ya," Jay says in his ear when he hugs Ben close at the door. Ben smiles at him. "Likewise."  
He sits down on the chair in Jay's office in front of the desk and waits for Jay to come back in with the tea.  
"So Callum's not in?" Ben says to the space behind him, voice raised to reach Jay in the kitchen.  
"No, not a busy day today and he seemed like he could use a day off," Jay says, walking back in with the mugs and setting them down, taking a seat behind the desk.  
Ben looks down at his hands in his lap.  
"You can just ask what you want to ask, Ben." Jay says, and Ben looks up at him.  
He sighs. "Not my business though, is it."  
"That don't seem to stop you worryin'," Jay comments, a smile peeking out over the edge of his mug as he brings it to his lips.

Ben stays silent, and Jay takes that as his cue to fill him in.  
"Look, I'd given Callum the day off and I was gonna work from home today because there's no meetings here so it's just paperwork, but then I figured it's nice and quiet 'round here, so I might as well come in."  
He pauses and sips his tea.  
"And Callum doesn't seem... himself. Some days it's like he's a million miles away, other days he comes in extra early, before me, is completely focused all day and then I have to tell him to go home."  
Something uneasy tugs at Ben. It's not surprising, it matches the general idea Ben had of how Callum's really doing.  
But he might have been better off not knowing, because he can't really do anything about it, but he also can't ignore it.

Ben lets Jay's words sink in, both of them quiet as Ben gets a little lost in his thoughts.  
The front door opens and shuts, and Callum walks into the office, both Ben and Jay looking at him in surprise.  
Callum's face is wet, tear-streaked, red eyes and wet eyelashes that stick together, and he probably looks more upset than Ben has ever seen him.  
"Oh, I thought you'd be-," Callum says, breathless, sounding like he's far away, eyes nervously shooting across the room as his chest rapidly goes up and down.  
He mumbles something that Ben doesn't catch, eyes quickly looking at Ben before his face crumples as tears fall down and then he's gone again, the sound of the door clicking shut following.

Ben is already halfway standing up when he pauses, looking at Jay, who simply nods to the door.  
"Go on."  
He pushes any doubts about whether or not he should do this to the side. This is a friend who's clearly not doing well and needs someone.  
Callum hasn't gone far, standing in an alleyway just next to the undertakers, hand covering his mouth to stop himself sobbing.  
He looks ready to bolt as soon as he sees Ben, but Ben rushes forward and grabs his other hand.  
"Let's go somewhere quiet yeah? It's empty at mine."

He doesn't bother making tea, Callum doesn't look like he could keep anything down right now, his entire body shaking and convulsing.  
Ben gets him to the couch, but he has a hard time calming down, and Ben realises this could easily escalate into a panic attack.  
"Okay, Callum you're breathing way too fast, I'm gonna need you to take it easy, okay? Here, follow me," he grabs Callum's hand and places it on his own chest, exaggerating his own slow breathing in order to get Callum to follow.  
"Good, you're doing good. Deep breath in, through your stomach," Ben says, keeps repeating similar phrases, and after a few minutes Callum's breathing is more or less normal.  
He hasn't looked at Ben since sitting down, and now that he does, thick droplets fall onto his cheeks.

Ben holds himself back from getting closer, wiping away his tears.  
He doesn't say anything, doesn't ask Callum anything, knowing that if Callum wants to talk, it has to come from _him_.  
And it takes a while, but he eventually starts talking.  
"Me and Whit are having marriage counseling."  
It's not at all what he expected, and Ben pushes every question he has down.  
Callum looks down at his hands laying in his lap, fingers constantly moving. His cheeks are flushed red, hair not in his usual quiff but soft as it falls over his forehead, and it hits Ben how small and boyish he looks.

"Whit thought it'd be a good idea," Callum says, voice wavering, "'cause she felt like I hadn't been putting as much effort into our marriage as she had."  
His eyes come back to Ben again, and whatever he sees is enough to keep going.  
"And I felt like the first couple of sessions went okay, you know. I don't say that much because I feel like there's nothing I _can_ say. And then this morning, she kept asking me all these questions, and she said I was too quiet and not invested, and then she just left, and I-" Callum's voice stops as he swallows past the lump in his throat, more tears spilling out.  
"I just want to make her happy but I can't, I can't be enough for her," Callum says, like it's a realization he's just now had, and he sounds deflated.  
Ben knows Callum has to go through a heartbreak of his own.

He shuffles a little bit closer, arms opening, and Callum falls into it, head pressed into the spot between Ben's neck and shoulder, one of Ben's hands on the back of his head and the other on his back.  
Callum's body shakes with sobs in the beginning, and Ben rubs circles over his back, nose brushing against the hair on the side of Callum's head.  
He holds him, after the tears have stopped, a few deep shuddery inhales later. He holds him like if he does it for long enough, it will put Callum back together.  


When Callum pulls back, he looks exhausted. "My head is killing me," Callum says, face scrunched up in pain, and Ben smiles softly.  
"I'll get you some water and a paracetamol, and then you should go home and get some sleep." Callum gives him a grateful look, and Ben stands up to go to the kitchen.  
"Ben," Callum says before Ben has reached the kitchen, "do you think I can be happy?"  
Ben thinks for a short moment, and then looks back at him.  
"Yes, but I also think you deserve more than this."

That last part echoes around in Ben's head for weeks afterwards. It feels like something he shouldn't have said, even though he can feel the truthfulness of his words deep in his bones.  
But it reveals too much, shows how Ben is in way too deep. It's been brewing under the surface for a while now, and Ben supposes it was only ever a matter of time before everything shattered.  
What gets it going, is that he and Callum grow closer again.

Ben sees Callum standing outside the Vic, looking lost and like he doesn't know what to do with himself. The option to let it go and walk away crosses his mind, but so does the image of Callum sitting on the swings, crying and hurting himself, and then Ben is walking up to him two seconds later.  
"You wanna go for a walk?"  
Callum never says yes but they start walking anyway. Ben lets him take the lead, first walking out of Walford and the directly surrounding area, through some parts of the city and then a few turns later through a more green space.  
It's cold permanently now, the wind almost harsh as it blows past them, and Ben curses himself for wearing such a thin jacket and T-shirt.  
Large trees cover patches of sky above them in warm colours, shielding them like a blanket.  
The leaves crackle under their feet, and when Ben looks to the side, he thinks of how beautiful Callum looks like this, the tip of his nose slightly red, eyes clear and bright.

"Callum, there was something I wanted to ask ya," Ben starts, unsure of how he'll react but knowing he _needs_ to ask this, "the whole therapy thing, you, you don't think that will, make you... different, do ya?"  
It takes him two seconds but then Callum frowns, head turning to the side. "How'd ya mean?"  
Ben presses his lips together; he hoped Callum would understand instead of having to painfully spell it out for him.  
"I mean that therapy isn't going to change who you are."  
The words are softly spoken but a weight settles between them, not much to hear but their footsteps, and traffic from far away.  
Callum sniffs, his cheeks rosy from the cold.  
"I know." 

Ben looks to his side, and Callum's looking at him with a small smile that looks like the beginnings of acceptance, and Ben realises to his relief that he really _does know_.  
A sinking feeling follows shortly after, because this also means that Callum isn't necessarily denying who he is anymore, but he does still think he can make his marriage to Whitney work, or he's at least trying to.  
"I got a card from my dad the other day," Callum then says suddenly, and the underlying anxiety and tension in his voice is enough to instantly make Ben feel on edge.  
"Basically said he was happy that I'm married to such a lovely woman," Callum says, voice flat and weak, and Ben feels a flare of anger.  
"Right, so you think you're not only letting Whitney down but him too, yeah?"  
Callum stops walking for a moment and blinks at him, not expecting an outburst.  
"Well I don't think having a son with a failing marriage is something to be proud of, Ben," Callum says irritated.

"That's not how it is," Ben mumbles, starting to walk again and hoping they'll change the subject soon, for both their sakes, but he's hit a nerve with Callum.  
"Yes it is! That's exactly how it is, that's the cold hard truth! I can't love anyone!" Callum shouts now, and Ben turns around.  
"Yes you can!" Ben shouts back, matching his volume, pointing a finger at Callum.  
"You, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know! You have so much love, you just don't want to have it for men!"  
Callum scoffs at him, lets out this bitter little laugh.  
"You think you have me all figured out, do ya? I can't make things work because I always mess it up, and I don't blame my dad for not loving me!"  
Callum screams at him, veins in his neck becoming more prominent and the skin reddening. The words leave his mouth and his lip quivers a little, eyes shiny with tears.

Ben wills himself to calm down and walks closer to Callum, coming to stand before him, looking him straight in the eyes.  
"I have never met anyone like you. I have a habit of getting close to people who aren't good. And you, you are good."  
A tear falls down Callum's cheek and Ben leans up to wipe it away with the pad of his thumb.  
"You bring something positive to everyone you know. You are kind, smart, funny and caring. And all of that light, all of those good things you give to others, you deserve to get those things yourself as well."  
Callum exhales a long breath on a shudder and closes his eyes as more tears continue to drop.  
His eyes open again, and Ben leans in and kisses his cheek, tugging him close and hugging him.

It doesn't last long, but it somehow feels like another piece falls into place.  
They continue walking, and Callum asks about Lexi, Ben asks about work at the undertakers.  
Neither of them mention what they previously talked about.  
And when Ben is back home, sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees, he realises that whilst he's been torn on whether or not to get involved with Callum, he didn't notice that he never really had a choice.

He doesn't see Callum for a while then. Ben thinks Callum is probably avoiding him, but then he talks to Jay and learns that he's been going to work and then going straight up to his and Whitney's apartment most days.  
It's strange to not have any contact with him at all, for several _weeks_, and it hits Ben how much he had gotten used to having Callum around again.  
There's no texts here and there, looks across the square or private conversations somewhere away from Walford.  
Ben has no idea what's going on in Callum's life, if anything is happening at all or if Callum has dug his heels in when it comes to his marriage.  
And unfortunately, Ben's heart is well and truly involved, and the uncertainty around Callum makes it that Ben doesn't really know where _he_ stands, either.

But he can't control Callum, he can only control himself, so he keeps his head down and tries to stay focused on the people around him.  
He can't help but wonder, though. The memories of when he first met Paul keep flooding back, because it was the first time he felt something that strong about anyone, and the thought that he'd never feel that again was terrifying.  
To risk everything for someone, only to lose them after all. For a while, it had made him go back to the self-hatred.  
Not blaming himself was something that took him ages, and the one-night-stands would only temporarily douse the longing for a loving relationship.

That fantasy becomes a lot harder to ignore when you see it in a person.  
"I just need to get over it," Ben shrugs, throwing back the last of his pint and he sees Jay roll his eyes as he does it.  
"This ain't some fling of yours Ben, you proper like him," Jay tells him, not being able to hide a small smile.  
"What am I gonna do with that though? He's married to a woman, my feelings don't come into it," Ben says, rubbing his hands up and down his legs, his entire body and mind restless, like there was something he was supposed to do but now he can't remember what it was.  


"You know, all of this is probably just a sign that me and him ain't good together. If we were, would it be this much work?" Ben says, the beginnings of surrender tasting bitter on his tongue.  
"Oh that is such bullshit," Jay fires back, a light smack to the side of Ben's arm.  
"He's one of the few people who sees through your whole tough man act," Jay says whilst gesturing to Ben, "and he doesn't have it, he expects more from you. You need that."  
Ben sighs and presses his lips together.  
"Yeah well, I need more from him too and he can't give me that."  
Jay leans a little closer and places a hand on Ben's wrist.  
"He might do with a bit of time. Took you a while as well, remember."

And he does remember. He remembers the way it felt when he first noticed it, the immediate fear and internal rejection. How he lost several people because of it.  
How, even after years of coming out, there's a small hiccup when he gets asked about it or someone brings it up. How it has hardened him, made him more distrustful.  
The nausea and fatigue he felt, day after day, trying to fit himself into a space that was always going to be too small.  
His heart aches when he thinks of Callum going through that, and the impulse to want to help is hard to contain.  
But he knows that you can't make it go faster, it takes what it takes, and Ben has to find a way to be okay with that.

It's at the end of autumn, the cold around him verging on biting, that everything changes. Silly how it feels like it comes out of nowhere, yet when Ben looks back on it, they were probably always going to end up here.  
The contact with Callum has been a bare minimum, nothing above polite smiles and greetings when they cross paths. It had gone on for a while like that, so much so that Ben was starting to think this was just the way things were like now.  
There's no coming back from this. The distance between them had grown too much, something about not meeting at the right time and in the right place, and it would take a while, but Ben would eventually find closure and move on.  
With life, that is. With someone else, that could take a while. Callum Highway had quietly but steadily made his way under Ben's skin, and letting someone else in wasn't going to get rid of that yearning feeling that they could have had something beautiful.

Rain is pouring down outside, Lexi had come home from school completely soaked, Lola too, and after a warm shower she had come down in her pj's, dropping down next to Ben on the sofa and nestling herself in the crook between Ben's arm and body.  
He pets the top of her head and she softly swats his hand away. "You're gonna ruin it!" She runs a hand over her damp hair, smoothing it down until she reaches the end of her braid.  
She looks up at him with a sleepy smile. "Mum braided it and then when I wake up tomorrow it's gonna be curly."  
Ben smiles back at her, heart squeezing in his chest with fondness. "That's great baby."  
She settles again, eyes on the telly, and when Lola walks down the stairs she takes a moment to look at them, Ben sharing a smile with her.  
He's lucky, he knows he is, more than ever.

Lola puts Lexi to bed, Ben clears the table. It's just a simple night in for him, Lola is going out with Jay tonight.  
She squeezes his shoulder as she walks past him. "She's nearly asleep, so hopefully there won't be a fuss."  
He smiles at her. "Have fun tonight, take as long as you like." She walks towards the front door.  
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" He shouts just before the door falls shut.  
Ben grins to himself and settles in front of the telly, sticking on a home decoration show.

It's just before ten when the doorbell rings.  
"Hey," Callum says when Ben opens the door, wet from head to toe, hair falling flat over his forehead with droplets hanging off of the strands, voice raised to be heard over the rain.  
Ben is so perplexed that he stays silent and lets Callum stand in the rain.  
"I've told Whitney why it's not working, and why it never will."  
His words thunder in Ben's chest like the rain hammering down onto the streets.  
He quickly steps aside and lets Callum in.  
"I'll, I'll get a towel," Ben mumbles before quietly making his way upstairs. He takes a moment in the hallway, trying to breathe more deeply. 

Ben makes his way back downstairs and sees Callum standing in the living room, _still here_.  
It almost doesn't feel real. Because they don't do this, not anymore.  
"Here, doubt it'll help much, but you know," Ben says as he hands him the towel.  
Callum peels his wet jacket off of his torso and runs the towel through his hair a few times, then ruffles it a bit with his hand.  
He tries to fold the towel back the way it was and places it on the table. He looks nervous, eyes hesitant as they look at Ben.

"Should I go?" Callum asks.  
"What have you told Whitney?" Ben asks in return, voice soft, only the sound of the rain in the background.  
It's completely dark outside, and there's a dim warm light cast over Callum from a small lamp.  
Ben's heartbeat thuds, becomes heavier. He can almost _feel_ how everything shifts, where they are now not a stable spot to stand on, like one wrong move will make the whole thing collapse.  
But he's _here_, chancing it anyway, and that _has_ to mean something.

"The truth, I s'pose," Callum says, shrugging lightly, but the words are heavy and Ben can see it in Callum's face.  
Callum leans back a bit and rests against the table.  
"We talked for a really long time, about us, about me," Callum looks anywhere but at Ben, and Ben sees the gloss over his eyes.  
"I told her that I'd had feelings for men before, and that I'd just hoped I could make things work with her, despite it not feeling as it should."  
Ben's chest feels tight with the need to breathe, but watching Callum unfolding himself knocks the wind right out of him.

"We're going to separate," Callum says, something final about the way he says it, and grief crosses his face as his eyes water.  
Ben approaches him.  
"I don't regret it," Callum says promptly, a little defensive, and Ben takes his hand in his own and holds it.  
"I know, but it's okay to feel upset anyway," Ben soothes, voice low in the small space between them.  
Callum's eyes search his own, and it's like the fog has cleared, because of all the times Callum has looked at Ben in the past months, the affection and _want_ has never been so clear and unfiltered.  
Ben bites the inside of his lip and inhales deeply.  
"I'll go get something to drink." He pats Callum's arm before letting go and making his way to the kitchen.

His knuckles turn white with how hard he's gripping the worktop, head bowed and hanging under his shoulders.  
There's hesitance there, still, somehow, even after everything.  
Even though it feels like he just got what he wanted after all this time.  
But he doesn't want to push Callum, go too fast. There's a part of him that wants to tell Callum to go home, tell him to start dating in a few months time, start living the life you were meant to live. A part that asks Ben how good of a boyfriend he could be to Callum.  
When he first met Callum he would have pounced at a chance like this, seeing the desire in Callum and recognizing it within himself.  
But he cares. And he cares for Callum more than he wants to win. 

He raises his head slightly, and he can feel a tentative hand on his shoulder.  
Ben's head turns to the side a bit, and for a moment he meets Callum's eyes. Warm, inviting, careful.  
He looks ahead again, and Callum's hand slides from his shoulder to his chest, fingers landing on the buttons of Ben's black button-up.  
Two of them get unbuttoned, and Callum's fingers move the fabric to the side.  
Then there's warmth, Callum leaning down, the tip of his nose just barely touching the skin on Ben's neck, like an animal checking if they can trust the person with an outstretched hand in front of them.  
Callum's mouth brushes against the skin of Ben's neck and Ben feels lightheaded for it, head lolling to the side a bit.

He presses a kiss to the back of Ben's neck, then to the side, under his jaw and then down again, where his neck meets his shoulder.  
It's warm, slightly wet as Callum lightly sucks, and Ben hasn't felt this turned on in months.  
"_Callum_," Ben whispers on a sigh, eyes falling shut and body sagging against the one behind him, firm and steady, Callum's hands coming around on his hips to steady him.  
Callum spends some time on a patch of skin just under Ben's neck, above his rapidly beating heart, getting bolder as Ben melts.  
Tongue touches skin, teeth gently bite, and Ben's hand comes up to hold the side of Callum's face.  
He can feel the warm breaths out on the skin of his neck as it shivers down his spine.

Ben gently twists around, arms around Callum's neck, Callum's arms now around his waist.  
"I've missed you," Ben quietly admits, and Callum leans forward, lets his forehead lean on Ben's, noses almost touching.  
Callum smiles at him, and the joy makes it all the way up into his eyes.  
"Missed you too."  
Ben kisses him then, slow and soft at first, like they're getting to know each other all over again, experiencing everything for the first time.  
They take their time with it, because they can, and Ben tries to store this feeling, to savour and remember it.

Ben gets up on his tiptoes in an attempt to get closer when Callum licks into his mouth, Callum's arms tightening around his waist, and it makes Ben want to climb the tall man and let him ruin him.  
Callum pulls back, breath coming out in harsh pants. "Sofa?" Ben asks, and Callum nods before kissing Ben again, hand to the side of Ben's face as they slowly walk backwards without letting each other go.  
He lets Callum fall on his back, placing one knee to his side and moving himself on top of him, ignoring the slight dampness of Callum's clothes.  
Callum's hand moves through Ben's hair as they kiss, and Ben feels everything inside of him heat up.  
It's been so long since he's had Callum this close, looking up at him with a lustful gaze not unlike Ben's own.  


"So proud of you," Ben says suddenly as he looks down, because he can't help it, and Callum grins widely and laughs.  
"What, for getting what you already knew?" Callum says lightly, teasing.  
"I didn't know nothin'," Ben says, leaning down and placing his thumb on Callum's lower lip, pulling it down slightly, "just knew I wanted ya."

Callum kisses him then, and Ben lets the weight of his body fall onto Callum's, groaning at the contact.  
He kisses down Callum's neck, enjoying the sound of Callum's breathy moans as he goes.  
Ben keeps his hips aligned with Callum's, who is just as much into it as he is, and rolls them, Callum's hand on Ben's arse to keep him close.  
Callum's head falls further back, eyes slipping shut, and he picks up the rhythm, Ben sucking on the skin just under his jaw.  
"Oh, _fuck_," Callum breathes, eyes opening and looking at Ben, and he keeps his gaze there until Ben takes him over the edge.  
Ben watches as his muscles tense and then his face slackens, and the sight of Callum completely surrendering himself to Ben undoes him. 

Ben's forehead falls onto Callum's chest as he pants, limbs feeling heavy and relaxed in a way that seems to reach his bones.  
He feels Callum's arms come around him, cuddling him closer. Ben turns his head and lays his cheek down instead.  
"I know we've probably done this in the wrong order, but do you wanna go on a date sometime?" Callum asks.  
Ben laughs and then Callum laughs too, and he feels the vibration in Callum's chest.  
Callum's eyes follow him as he shuffles up, face now level with Callum.  
"I think we can do that, yeah," Ben whispers before leaning down and kissing Callum, slow and deep.

The first day of snow has already happened before they actually get to that date.  
Things keep happening in between; they're both busy with work, Ben wants to spend time with Lexi, Callum gets a bit nervous, _Ben_ gets a bit nervous.  
Ben runs into Whitney on the square at some point and she wavers, face guarded before it breaks a little and softens. She nods at him and moves on.  
There's not a lot either Callum or Whitney could have done, both of them good people, just not meant for one another.  
He can tell Callum still really cares about her, but the fear that Callum might still turn around and go back to her starts to dissipate.

The continuation of this thing between him and Callum has been on Ben's mind a lot lately. He finds himself thinking about what they could do on their date, what he should wear, if he could cook Callum a meal. He feels pressure to get it right.  
So obviously, what happens is that Callum shoots him a text when Ben's just done at the Arches, the smell of motor oil probably still on him somewhere, and asks if he wants to meet at the cafe.  
"I got us both a hot chocolate, hope you don't mind," Callum says as soon as Ben walks up to his table.  
Ben grins, face flushed a light red from the cold, rubbing his hands together as he sits down.  
"No, that's great, thanks."

It's quiet for a bit as they both sip their drinks.  
"So are we counting this as our first date then?" Ben says.  
Callum shrugs at him.  
"That's fine by me." There's a small pause, worry creeping into the lines of his face, and then he backs down a bit. "Or did you want something different? Because I can-"  
Ben places his hand on Callum's forearm.  
"This is good, don't worry."  
Callum gives him a small smile.

"Ran into Whitney the other day."  
Callum hastily sets his mug down on the table. "What happened?"  
Ben licks his lips. "Not much, she didn't look like she wanted to kill me though."  
Callum huffs a small laugh. "I still talk to her sometimes."  
He looks out the window for a moment, across the square. "Questions crop up every now and then, for both of us. She asked me if there was something she could've done better, I asked her if she hates me for what I've done."  
Callum's thumb runs over the edge of the mug. "I think once the questions run out, we can close the book and move on."  
Ben nods with a thoughtful hum.  
"I'm really proud of you," echoing what he said that night Callum showed up on his doorstep, wanting and determined to take that risk.

Callum looks away with a laugh, his gaze fond as he turns it back to Ben.  
"It was just," his expression sobers as he recalls that feeling, "terrifying to see the future I thought I would have evaporate like that."  
Ben remembers that as well, it was one of the things that made him cling to the straight relationship he had, because it felt like a ticket to a safe future, that perfect picture he wanted and felt like he needed.  
And it's not just you, the people around you have an image in their head as well. How can you stray from that path when others keep pushing you back?  


"I think I knew for a while what I needed to do," Callum says, the words slowly rolling off his tongue, "but actually taking that step was difficult."  
And that's it, isn't it? Because Callum didn't know if everything was going to be alright once he actually took that leap, especially with the way his family is, the way he's grown up.  
But he did it anyway. Not for Whitney, not for Ben, but for himself.  
Ben's heart swells at the sight in front of him; that man he's so fond of, who is special enough to him that, if he looks back on this past year, he has spent a considerable amount of time thinking about him. 

Maybe it's the way Ben is smiling at him right now, eyes soft, but Callum's gaze drops down to Ben's mouth and then he lifts slightly, leaning forward over the table.  
Ben follows, pleasantly surprised by Callum's boldness as he kisses him gently. They stay close, faces hovering near one another, grinning.  
Once Callum's in his seat again, his cheeks are flushed but he just looks _happy_, sparkling eyes looking at Ben.  
Ben lifts his drink and takes a sip, smiling at Callum over the rim of his mug.

And it turns out, that giddy feeling sticks around for a while. A few more dates follow; they go see a film, they have dinner in a fancy restaurant outside of Walford and they go to an arcade.  
Given how long it's been since Ben has done this, the proper dating thing, he feels surprisingly comfortable. That's partly because he sees that Callum's comfortable too.  


He gets to know Callum more as time goes on, sees sides of him that he hadn't seen before. They play a game in the arcade where both of them get one go, and the winner has to pay for the pints they're having afterwards.  
Callum goes first and gets a decent score, Ben dies after about two seconds. He's never seen Callum laugh so hard, and after a few seconds of feeling stupid, Ben starts laughing too.  
They go to dinner and Callum hands Ben a gift. For Lexi, he says, looking embarrassed and like he already regrets it. It's a sparkly bow for in her hair, and Ben thanks him sincerely, touched that Callum even thought of something like that.

Ben's feelings for Callum only seem to grow, and even though he can see Callum has feelings for him too, there's no way of knowing if they're on the same wavelength.  
He hasn't dropped a big declaration on him yet, because the feeling that that might spoil everything keeps bugging him.  


But then Callum asks if he fancies going ice skating, and bringing Lexi along. He's brilliant with her, and she likes him too.  
She grips both their hands tightly as she shakily makes her way across the ice, and Callum catches her a few times when she loses her balance.  
They have chips for dinner there, and Ben hasn't seen Lexi this excited in a while, legs kicking back and forth as she babbles on about all of the tricks she did on her skates.  
The sky is already dark when they drive back, and when Ben's get out of the car, Callum does so too, opening the door to the backseat and picking up a sleeping Lexi, carrying her to the front door.  
Ben swallows thickly around something sentimental, clutching his keys in his hand. Lexi's arms are around Callum's neck, her head on his shoulder, unruly blond hair covering part of her face, and Callum does it like he's done it a million times before.  
Like she might as well have been _their_ kid.

Ben tucks her into bed and then makes his way back downstairs, facing Callum who's sitting on the sofa.  
"Spend Christmas with me," Ben breathes when he sits down beside him.  
Callum blinks at him. "Ben, I don't know..." He trails off, and the knot in Ben's stomach starts to grow but he can't back out now.  
"Do you not want to?"  
Callum grabs his hand. "I do, 'course I do. I'm just not sure your family would want me 'round."  
Ben shrugs. "I don't care what they want, I want you there."  
Callum's face softens as he leans forward and pecks Ben's cheek. "Then I will."

The Mitchell family Christmas is, well, chaotic to say the least. There's so much food that Sharon must have spent at least a week in the kitchen.  
Ben hugs his dad on his way in, and Callum gets an awkward silent handshake.  
"Don't mind him," Ben murmurs as he tugs Callum along. "Same goes for you," He hears from behind him, as Callum squeezes his hand.  
Dinner is not as bad as he thought it would be. Sharon does her best to keep the conversation going, and involving Callum in it as well.  
He's thankful that Jay and Lola are there as well, because Louise avoids contact with him as much as she can, and Keanu looks like he'd rather be anywhere else.

About halfway through, Phil stands up with his glass of wine.  
"I'd like to make a toast, to a good year, and to new family." He throws a smile at Keanu, and when his gaze is about to be toward Callum he looks away.  
Silence falls, and Ben can feel something change in the air. "Cheers," Sharon says with a forced smile, clearly trying to make the moment pass, and everyone raises their glass.  
Ben feels anger bubbling in his chest. "I'd also like to thank Callum for spending Christmas with us."  
Callum gives him a reassuring smile even though Ben knows he can hear the shake in his voice.  
Ben gives his dad a pointed look, who stares him down and eventually looks away, only barely restraining himself from rolling his eyes. He feels Callum's hand on his knee, lightly squeezing.

Ben looks at Louise and Keanu for a moment, nostrils flared and jaw hardened.  
Louise scoffs. "Oh come on Ben, don't make a fuss." Something heavy settles in his stomach, and Ben tries to remind himself that his new boyfriend who he likes very much is sitting next to him, and his daughter is present at the table as well.  
Lola just looks like she feels for him, and Jay raises his eyebrows at him, willing him to calm down.  
"Right," Ben grits out, and everyone resumes eating but Ben continues to feel on edge for the entire duration of the meal.

They move to the living room then; Ben, Callum, Jay, Lola and Lexi. Phil and Sharon are doing the washing up, and Louise and Keanu also stuck around in the kitchen.  
"Well done," Callum says, sitting on the armrest of the sofa next to Ben, dropping a kiss on his head.  
Ben looks up at him, already regretting bringing him in the first place.  
"Great Christmas, isn't it," his voice low and flat.  
Callum puts his hands on Ben's shoulders and squeezes as he leans down. "He's not worth it. And any Christmas I get to spend with you is great."  
Ben smiles gratefully and covers one of his hands with his own.

"Ahh, look at you all proper loved up!" Jay teases from a chair opposite them, and Ben rolls his eyes.  
"Don't be mean," Lexi pipes up, a frown on her face as she looks at Jay.  
Ben laughs. "Thanks darling."  
He shares a look with Jay, both of them smiling.  
They chat for a bit, about clients at the undertakers, gossip from around the square. Ben starts to feel a little lighter for it.  
He pats Callum's thigh. "I'll go get some drinks, shall I?"

He's near the doorway of the kitchen when he hears Phil chuckle.  
"Well he must've known, even before the wedding," He hears Louise say.  
"What, with that pink tie, yeah," Phil says next, laughing.  
Anger flares up in Ben's gut as he throws open the door.  
"If there's something you'd like to know about me or my boyfriend, you can ask me. But none of you have even bothered to talk to me these past months, let alone care about how I'm doing. So keep your homophobic thoughts to yourself."  
It's a raised voice, loud and angry as he looks around the room.  
"Ben, it's not-" Louise starts, and Ben snaps.  
"Actually, it is. Because you can get pregnant by the man who was paid to be your boyfriend, and still get to be part of the family, boyfriend and all. I'm barely tolerated for who I am, and if I step out of line _once_, I don't 'ave a roof over my head anymore."  


Ben feels his heart thump as his chest goes up and down quickly, and he must look as furious as he feels because Louise avoids his gaze.  
"Merry Christmas."  
He turns around, Callum standing behind him in the hallway.  
"Let's go," Callum says gently, and they head home together.

"I'm sorry," Ben says quietly, his head on Callum's chest as they lay on the sofa, Callum's hand running through his hair.  
"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Callum replies.  
Ben sighs. "Could've tried not to lose my temper."  
"Phil and Louise could've tried to be a little more accepting," Callum counters immediately.  
Ben lifts himself, hands on either side of Callum.  
"I'm the happiest I've ever been, with you. Why wouldn't they want that for me?"  
Empathy crosses Callum's face as he brings a hand to Ben's cheek, tilting him down and kissing him.  
"I'm so glad I'm here with you," Callum breathes against Ben's lips, the tip of his nose dragging sweetly along his. 

And Ben wants to stay there in that bubble, so bad. But he can't help but feel down, the prospect of ever fitting in with his family being further away than ever putting a damper on his mood, and he wants to feel that need to have Callum around, to be close, but the opposite happens.  
Callum texts him on Boxing Day, asks him if he wants to go out and do something or stay in and watch a movie, but Ben declines.  
He tries again the day after that, and Ben tells him he's not feeling well.  


It gets to a point where Jay drags him out to the Vic the next day, given that Ben hasn't left the house since Christmas.  
"What's going on with you, ey?" Jay asks, and it's not accusatory, but Ben can hear the worry in his voice.  
Ben shrugs. "Nothin', just not feeling great."  
Jay takes a sip of his pint. "Right, and that's enough to push Callum away is it?"  
Ben tugs a hand through his hair and exhales harshly. "What d'ya want me to do Jay? I'm dealing with some stuff right now, I need some time."  
Jay rolls his eyes. "That's not how relationships work mate, and you know that. You've gotta at least tell him, instead of making him think you've gone off him."

Ben scoffs, watching a few bubbles pop up in his pint. "He doesn't think that."  
"Oh yeah? What would you think when your boyfriend completely blanks you after you've spent your first Christmas together?"  
Ben's heart sinks.  
"Look, I know things are rough between you and Phil, but Callum clearly wants to be there for you. He'll listen to ya. And if there's anyone who gets complicated relationships with fathers, it's him."  
Jay gives him a pointed look. Ben knows he's right, he's just not used to that.  
Letting someone help instead of dealing with problems by yourself. It makes him feel all panicky and anxious.  
"What if he sees something he doesn't like and walks off?" Ben asks after a while, voice small.  
Jay pats his arm. "Give him a bit more credit."

It takes him the rest of the day to muster up the courage, but three days before New Year's, Ben asks Callum to drop by.  
When he walks through the door, Ben feels the guilt rise up in his throat at the sight of him, the looseness he saw in Callum's shoulders not there anymore, his gaze flat and subdued.  
"Didn't think you'd wanna see me," Callum says shortly, a guarded expression on his face. Ben hates that he did that.  
"Well I do, because I have to apologize," Ben says, taking a seat on the sofa and waiting for Callum to do the same.  
He looks at his hands, elbows on his knees.  
"I hate what happened with my dad," Ben starts, "but I hate even more that I shut you out afterwards."  
He looks to his side and Callum stays silent, awaiting.

"My dad brings out the side of me that's like him, and I hate that. I don't want to be that person, I want to be different. I'm not used to sharing these kinds of things with people, and when I got upset my first impulse was to keep it to myself and wait for it to pass."  
Callum huffs a small laugh to Ben's relief.  
He turns sideways and faces Callum, grabbing his hand and holding it.  
"I should've talked to ya about it, and I'm sorry I didn't. But I've gotta learn, still." Callum nods, turning their hands over and running his thumb over Ben's.  
"I know, and I get it. I'm not good at this either, you know. But I can't deal with this," He gestures in between them, "you tossing me to the side and then picking me up again when you feel like it."  
Ben looks down for a moment, ashamed that he made Callum feel that way.  
"I know."  
Callum grabs his face with both hands, leaning closer.  
"I want all of ya, not just the highlights."  
Ben smiles softly, eyes fluttering closed when Callum kisses him.

They kiss again, three days later, as they stand outside the Vic with a glass of champagne, colourful fireworks exploding above them.  
Ben tightens his arm around Callum's waist, forgetting everyone around them as he rests his head on Callum's chest, hiding his face in his thick scarf.  
Callum has his arm around his shoulder, holding him close.  
He can hear Lexi's excited voice as she points out the fireworks that keep bursting to Jay and Lola.  
Ben is where he wants to be.

And he looks forward to another year with Callum.  
Picknicks in the park when everything is warm and bright again, days at the beach and late night drinks in a quiet corner somewhere when the heat swells.  
Grey rainy days spent inside playing boardgames, walks outside in between bursts of rain and then taking shelter somewhere warm. Taking Lexi out to play in the snow, treating her and themselves to a hot chocolate when it gets too cold, spending nights in front of the telly when it's pitch black outside but there's candles burning inside.  
Ben wants it all, as cheesy as it sounds.  
But most importantly, he wants it with Callum.

**Author's Note:**

> well, it's finally here! i've worked really hard on this, and i really hope you enjoyed it! feel free to tell me your thoughts in the comments, that means a massive amount to me! thanks pals! <3
> 
> [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/)


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